Sunday was the most important day of my media year.
It surpassed reports of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s relationship going kaput. It effortlessly cleared all of the Jon and Kate drama. It even got more attention than New York Fashion Week.
It was the Academy Awards. And nothing beats the Oscars.
And so I planned my whole day, month and year around this event to be there for every minute of the whole wonderful afternoon, evening and night at the movies — and, more importantly, with the stars and their fashion.
Because Sunday was so important, I decided to chronicle my journey starting from the very first step onto the red carpet. Below, my minute-by-minute account of my evening — with the stars and statues, the winners and losers and, of course, the good, the bad and the ugliest fashions.
Welcome to the Oscars, Column5 style.
4:00 p.m. E! pre-Red Carpet coverage starts.
4:10 p.m. I become bored with the telecast and turn it off.
5:55 p.m. I turn the E! coverage back on.
5:59 p.m. Best Actress nominee Sandra Bullock says she will consider the night a success with or without a win, “So long as these heels do not pull this body down.” My exact thoughts every time I go out, Sandy baby.
6:12 p.m. Miley Cyrus arrives in a dress that finally strikes a balance of looking young and fresh but not looking like a slut. The same cannot be said of her trashy mother.
6:31 p.m. Nominee Meryl Streep proves age doesn’t matter in a gorgeous white number. She says she is “pulling for all the young gals” who haven’t been nominated 16 times quite yet.
6:59 p.m. Presenter Chris Pine saunters up for the last interview on E!’s coverage with just “20 seconds left” because he was late after taking pictures with his mom. Precious.
7:07 p.m. I successfully make the very technologically advanced switch to ABC’s Red Carpet coverage, and I am already saddened by presenter Zac Efron’s oompa loompa orange glow. My pain is assuaged by his lack of a certain (ex-?) girlfriend.
7:22 p.m. Presenters Tina Fey and Steve Carrell explain they are positive they’re not at the Emmys because “everyone is taller and better looking” at this show, according to Fey.
7:33 p.m. The main event finally begins! Neil Patrick Harris starts the ceremony off right in a sequined tuxedo jacket and with Vegas show dancers before hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin descend from the ceiling.
7:39 p.m. First Mo’Nique reference of the night. I wonder if she shaved her legs this time?
8:17 p.m. I will never be able look at presenter Matthew Broderick and not see Ferris Bueller.
8:30 p.m. Presenter Zoe Saldana wins for “Most Crazy Things Happening in One Outfit.” Sparkles and silk and feathers and a tiered train?! She pulled it off, but there was waaaay too much going on there, regardless of what anyone says.
8:37 p.m. Never mind. Ben Stiller just stole the crazy-dressed award from her in less than ten minutes, but I guess that was inevitable because he dressed as a character from Avatar.
9:17 p.m. Presenter Kristin Stewart wins “Best Dress on an Unsmiling, Untalented, Ungrateful Actress.”
9:18 p.m. I think “Paranormal Activity” might actually have been better starring Baldwin and Martin. The gay sex poses during the night make it far more believable.
9:29 p.m. Really John Travolta? Really? You couldn’t change out of your jeans to present at the Oscars? Really?!
9:54 p.m. Ummm hi Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler. Thank you for making my whole night by overwhelming the stage with your combined extreme hotness.
10:31 p.m. Because the show wasn’t long enough already, let’s have each Best Actor and Actress nominee be introduced by old friends! It’s sweet, but save it for the Barbara Walters special next time.
10:50 p.m. It was worth watching this whole night just to hear Sandra Bullock call out Meryl Streep for being her “lover” and “SUCH a good kisser” during her heartfelt acceptance speech for Best Actress.
10:59 p.m. I think Tom Hanks should present Best Picture every year. No one is better. And if results in a woman winning every year as well, then so be it.
11:03 p.m. I am already asleep after a “ceremony so long that Avatar now takes place in the past,” according to Steve Martin.
11:04 p.m. I wake up to start my countdown until next year’s awards. I can’t wait!
