As the ultimate day of love and lovers approaches, the men of the world seem to be doing nothing to prove themselves worthy of a candy heart for Valentine’s Day. Certainly, they are not worth the real hearts of the women they have scorned — even if they are on the cover of Vanity Fair.
That was the thought that crossed my mind when I saw the recent issue of the Vanity Fair magazine. On the cover, staring back at me, was Tiger Woods. Man of a thousand hookers. Flexing his muscles for Annie Leibovitz and looking out into the eyes of women everywhere without shame or guilt or a care in the world. And then there he was again on Perez Hilton, rumored to be returning to golf soon even as his marriage, and image, continues to implode.
And that is not right. Maybe it’s just hitting me a little hard because it is nearing Valentine’s Day and the world is awash with red hearts and fluttering Cupids. Granted, I’m more of a white roses and subtle candles type of girl myself, but even I would accept some kind of exuberant gesture of love as opposed to no love at all.
Thanks to men like Tiger — and David Letterman, and Charlie Sheen, and countless others — even good men seem to have gone bad lately. And though men have always seemed to have a bad name in the extra-relational affairs department, it has never been worse than in the past few months. Right in time for Valentine’s Day.
There seem to be all kinds of ways to break a girl’s heart this year. There is the “I can’t believe I didn’t expect this” break, the “Blast from the past” break, and perhaps the worst of all, the “How many of them are there?” break.
In the “I can’t believe I didn’t expect this” category is Charlie Sheen, who has a well-documented history of being a bit of a bad boy. Just ask his ex Denise Richards, who had to endure a messy divorce from Sheen. Or ask former girlfriend Kelly Preston, who broke up with Sheen after being accidentally shot with Sheen’s gun. Or even ex-girlfriend Heather Hunter, the ex-porn star. He has a history of sex, drugs and rock and roll that would make even the Rolling Stones cringe. And yet his now soon-to-be-ex wife Brooke Mueller still jumped into a marriage with him in 2008, only to jump out again this Christmas after Sheen was arrested for second-degree assault and other domestic violence charges. Do I blame her for leaving? No. Do I think she should have seen it coming? Absolutely. That’s what you get for marrying a bad boy. A bad marriage.
Under the “Blast from the past” header is David Letterman, once chosen by Johnny Carson to fill his infamous spot as king of late night talk shows. Though the job eventually went to another, bigger-chinned, interviewer, Letterman has since then been one of the more respected late-night hosts. The spotlight was turned from his celebrity guests onto Letterman this past winter when it was revealed that Letterman had been having an affair with one or more women on his crew. Though he was not officially married at the time, he was seeing the woman who would later be his wife and the mother of his son during some of the post-show shenanigans. So is a blast from the past woman any worse than an in-your-face-right now one? Not necessarily — and it still makes Letterman and his marriage an easy target for late night jokes.
And then we come to Tiger and his notorious “How many of them are there?” break. Oh, Tiger. Can anyone blame his wife for allegedly coming at him with a golf club? In my opinion, she put it to better use than he ever did in any of his championship winning shots. He now has upwards of eleven women claiming to have had extra-marital affairs with him over the past few years. And not only did the scumbag keep women at his beck and call in cities across America, he was also stupid enough to leave a trail of text messages and voicemails. There haven’t been any new women to come forward lately, but maybe he has bought them off already or maybe they are just biding their time. Either way, we are all still left wondering just how many of them there actually were.
No matter the circumstance, no matter the upcoming holiday, it appears that even good boys will always eventually go bad. This Valentine’s Day, I’ll approach the chocolate and hearts and romance with a more jaded outlook on love and men. Sadly, maybe we have to expect the worst and only hope for the best in love — or at least hope for a huge teddy bear with a red bow this Valentine’s Day, from a good boy.
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I love you.
And by the way, I had an affair with Tiger Woods at the Buick Invitational in 2008. I’m just waiting to see what kind of under-the-table settlement I can get before I go to the press.